Sorry it’s been so long friends! I’ve been really busy studying for the GRE amongst other daily duties, but God has been putting this topic on my heart for quite awhile and I hope it blesses you in one way or another!
As I share my letter, I hope it would be a source of encouragement to write your ‘little self’ your own letter. There is so much freedom in telling ‘the younger you’ what you have been needing to release and get off your shoulders…it’s also a really great way to reflect and thank God for all the things He has brought you through…
I have completed this a few times years ago in therapy and also last year at a retreat, but I think it is important to check in every now and again because things come up and I remember more and more things I would tell my ‘younger self.’ The idea is to write a letter to your ‘child self’ about anything you would like to tell him/her. It can be positive, negative, neutral or anything that comes to mind. Some people write a list, some people write a letter that tells a story or others simply just pour their hearts out with no real structure to their letters other than just allowing the thoughts to flow out…whatever you find helpful, I encourage you to do…
July 2, 2019
DEAR LITTLE CHRISTINA:
There is so much I have to tell you. So many things that I want to prepare you for. Warn you. Protect you from. Share with you. Guide you through. See you through. And walk you through. Oh sweet girl, it will all make sense one day.
There are so many unforeseen, unexpected circumstances that you will encounter that you will just be expected to endure regardless of your age, maturity, resources, and understanding (or the lack, thereof). Oh sweet girl, it isn’t supposed to be this way.
The baby stages and toddler days will be a blur. There will be more negative, hurtful and impaired memories rather than positive, youthful memories. Your childhood will be cut short. You will be expected to grow up and mature way too soon. I’m sorry, but life will expect you to ‘just suck it up’ because otherwise you won’t make it. You will witness a lot of verbal, emotional and physical abuse. You will become a victim to it, as well. You will watch your mom be abused and go through a treacherous depression for years and years on end. You will be expected to play ‘mom’ while Mom tries to make a life for you and Jeffery. You will be in bondage with fear, anxiety and hopelessness under the surface for much of your childhood and teenage years, but you will become such a pro at wearing a mask and faking your happiness. You will nearly convince yourself everyday how happy you are–but deep down inside, you will be bleeding and crying for love and affection. Oh sweet girl, how worthy you are to God.
You will remember all of these frightening events and have flashbacks and nightmares. You will wonder if you are safe. If you are loved. If you are good enough. If you are worthy of love and affection. If you are a burden to your parents. If you are the problem. If you are worth it. If you are deserving of life. Catch my drift? It will be hard. Harder than you can imagine, but YOU WILL endure. You will make it. You will find God and He will take you through the chaos and He will see you through it all. You won’t learn this until much later on, but it is never too late. Remember that, sweet girl.
You won’t be able to make sense of the chaos that you encounter on a daily basis at home. You won’t understand why Dad leaves and doesn’t come back for days on end. You won’t grasp why Dad leaves with another woman and has the guts to bring her into your family home. You won’t understand why Dad would choose another woman over you. You will be left to wonder why you couldn’t be DADDY’S LITTLE GIRL or his princess. You won’t get that opportunity, WHY?! Because Dad won’t be mature enough nor right-minded to give you his love because he is messed up himself. You will grow desperate for his love and you will allow abusive men to love you and take advantage of you. That in itself will try to destroy you in your young adult years, but don’t be dismayed, GOD will get you through that TOO. Oh sweet girl, you are worthy.
There will be a day where you witness awful physical abuse. You will have to tell the cops what Dad did and what you saw. You will watch the cops pull up and Dad will be sitting in the back of the cop car. Worse than that, you will watch him look at you in disgrace and disappointment. Until your late twenties you will think that look meant that it was your fault and that you are to blame for his arrest. Oh sweet girl. None of it will be your fault, but you will have to go through the pain and heartache to unravel all the lies you were forced to believe.
You will always be second place to another woman in Dad’s life and you will just have to accept it. Maybe you will never accept it, but you will have to at least acknowledge it and deal with it. You will have to raise your brother because Mom will be too tired to do so when she gets home from long days at work. Mom will grow depressed and weak and you will need to be the pillar of strength for your family. Everything will seem like it depends on you and your strength. Oh sweet girl, you were never meant to experience this.
Mom and Dad will go through an ugly divorce and you will be in the middle of a trial against Dad and prove him guilty. His stupid DA will try to fill your head with lies and try to get you to rehearse that Mom was at fault–you know in your heart it isn’t true and you will not back down. Again, you will be a pillar of strength–at your own expense, of course. Oh sweet girl, you are so strong.
Mom, Jeffery and you will experience many years of drought. Dad won’t pay child support. You guys will struggle to have food in the fridge, rent will be unpaid for months on end, the apartment complex with threaten to evict Mom. Mom will have to file bankruptcy because she just can’t hang on any longer. Mom will do the very best she can and keep pushing through. She will never give up on you and Jeffery. Oh sweet girl, you will make it.
Despite all that you will endure in your primary and secondary education and years, you will apply to your dream college, UCLA, and be accepted with a full-ride scholarship. You will get several other scholarships and your dreams will be fulfilled. Oh sweet girl, God loves you.
You will fall in love with a man, for 7 years, that seems “oh so good at first” yet he will be sly and lie to you for years. You will go off to college and he will continue to play his games, but you will find out. You will experience your first heartbreak and you will experience your first episode of clinical depression. You will be diagnosed, get hospitalized and experience your first 5150 all within a few days. Life will go from 0 to 100, real quick. OH sweet girl, this is just the beginning.
You will make it through college and go on to graduating from your dream school. You will think you are on the way to medical school, but you will apply for nursing school instead and you will get into UCLA Nursing School on a full-ride scholarship. This will last only 9 weeks. You will experience your second episode of severe, clinical depression and you will think of and try every way to kill yourself. Suicide will become your new identity. You will wish. PRAY. Ask. Beg. Plead. To be taken off this earth, but nothing will work. Oh sweet girl, God has a plan for your life.
You will take about a year to recover from your depression and become a whole, new woman. You will find Jesus in your last efforts to commit suicide. You will pray to God to take you, but God will speak back to you and you will hear HIM so clearly. You will be saved at the Harvest Crusade and you will walk with Jesus, always and forever. Oh sweet girl, you are a Daughter of the Most High King.
You will once again find yourself in a long-term relationship, 5 years that is, to have your heart broken so badly once again. You will find out he is cheating and doing drugs. Hardcore drugs. You will be so badly hurt. You will fall into your third, most severe, clinical depression and it will seem like the world is ending. You will try to kill yourself again many times. You will be put in 5 different psychiatric hospitals within a year and you will try over 30 different psychotropic medications. You will be diagnosed with nearly every mental illness. Years of therapy. The devil will try to keep you hostage. You will try to overdose on each one, but nothing will work. You will pray endlessly that these be your last days, but God will promise you the opposite. God will speak to you. He will send your professionals, doctors, nurses, friends, family and church members to build you up. God will carry you through the mess. God will meet you just where you are, every single time. God will make you a new creation. Oh sweet girl, your life has just begun.
You will hit the ground with your knees many times over, but you will thank the Lord who lives in you. You will ask WHY so many times and God will show you WHO! You will compare yourself to others and wonder what you did to deserve these struggles, but God will bless you so much. Oh sweet girl, you will never be defeated.
The devil is a liar! Your dad was hurting. He hurt you and your family because he was a mess. You will forgive even the hardest this to forgive. The relationship will be mended. The love and affection you have always wanted will come to pass. Oh sweet girl, you are so loved.
You will grow so much in your walk with Christ. You will find yourself blessed in ministry. You will serve those with mental health needs. You will create a platform for mental illness and you will utilize this to walk in your journey of a mental health professional. You will be on the big stage. You will influence many. You will heal many. You will be delivered. You will be freedom. You will be healed. You will recognize how beautiful you really are. How worth you really are. How smart you really are. How loved you really are. How much your circumstances could have owned you. BUT God saved you. Oh sweet girl, your testimony will bless so many and you will be so blessed. Oh sweet girl, Satan is a liar! Oh sweet girl, you are a daughter of a King who will favor you all of your life. It is all part of a bigger story!
The rest of the story is left unwritten because the journey continues, but OH SWEET GIRL, THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING.